Zero Tolerance Policies

They’re dumb. That’s the whole video of this video. Enjoy.


Raising the Minimum Wage: Are we REALLY this stupid?


My Dramatic, Emo Breakup with the GOP

In spoof form, because, how else would I do such a thing?! Hellooo….do you know me?

One of the more embarrassing things I’ve done on the internet, but hey, I really committed. And that’s what counts, right!?! Just watch it. Ugh! I’m gonna go hide in a corner now. Ugh.

New Year’s Resolution 2013: KEPT

A year ago today, just about the exact same time as I am writing this, I was drinking a diet coke (probably my third can that day, per my usual).  Exciting, right? But as I was taking a sip, I realized, “oh crap, I haven’t thought of a New Year’s Resolution!  Huh. Guess I’ll just quit drinking pop.” (Yes, POP, you silly coasters!) As of today, I have officially–and for the first time ever–kept a New Year’s resolution for an entire year.  I haven’t had a single pop in the year 2013… and yes, I counted mixed drinks!

Now, I’m not one to make a huge deal out of the new year, but I can admit to enjoying the prospect of starting fresh, even if it’s just all in my head.  It’s true, that if something is important enough to change, the day of year shouldn’t matter.  But, however silly it is, there is something special about starting something on January first.  Having kept a promise to myself for so long, I am encouraged to find other ways to improve my life.  So here is my list of New Years Resolutions for 2014:

1. Make prayer a daily morning ritual
2. Cut gluten out of my diet for good (Just made my last subway run….EVAH!!)
3. Work out for 20 minutes at least twice per week (not much, but better than what I’m doing now!)
4. Make a point of going to visit each of my siblings at least once this year at their home
5. Finally publish the children’s book I wrote back in highschool
Here’s page one, for a little preview: Image
6. Blog at least once a week
7. Write down the experiences I remember from working at the geriatric mental health unit, because I learned a lot of valuable things from that job.
8. Join a church group, and make an effort to make friends with those people
9. Paint something, big or small, once a month.
10. Write a song. A serious one. For once.
11. Stop swearing

I plan on writing blog posts on each of these (as many of them are a one-time deal) as I accomplish them throughout 2014.  Many of you probably think I’m setting the bar too high for myself, but that’s okay.  Maybe I am.  Some of these are easy, some of them…not so much.  However, they are areas of my life that I feel are important for me to change, and I figure, why not 2014?


Price Tag Spoofception

Because the oh-so-glorious Obamacare benefits can’t stand on their own feet, the Department of Health and Human Services awarded a $2,000 grand prize to the “best” youtube video that could pimp signing up to Obamacare to young Americans. Erin McDonald was the big winner with her own rendition of “Price Tag,” –a song originally sung in repugnance of society’s disgusting focus on money– by Jessie J, a wildly rich performing artist.

But that’s not the ironic part. Singing “it ain’t about the cha-ching, cha-ching,” McDonald urges young Americans to “Take advantage of this opportunity” because it “don’t take a lot of money, money, money” to sign up for Obamacare. I can picture her, after uploading that video, just leaning back in her chair and throwing her head back in a hearty, “TROLOLOLOLOLOL!” Either that, or she’s completely oblivious to the irony of her entire horse-poo infested performance.

Also, the song and lyrics itself sucked a big bag of donkey hoofs. Woman, if you’re going to spoof Jessie J, DO IT RIGHT!!

That’s where I came in, with my own special “Price Tag” Spoof-Spoof Spoofception. Enjoy.

My brother’s letter to Zebra Pen


To whom it may concern:               
I am writing to express my deep regret that I will no longer be using your Zebra Pens.  Having come to love the Zebra brand over the last several years, I am recently finding the performance of your pens lacking. 
With my first purchase back in 2005, I immediately fell for the sleek design and confident grip your pen provided.  Ink flowed from the tip effortlessly as if the pen and paper were old lovers, releasing tension from times lost.  I wrote college papers with my zebra pen and often sat back in my chair with deep satisfaction knowing that while my analysis of genetic expression may be wildly off-mark, I at least knew my professor would enjoy the deep black strokes provided by my zebra pen. 
“Old Duke”. 
-That’s what I called him.  I never imagined falling for a pen in this way – but whenever anyone near me heard I was looking for “Duke”, they knew immediately to look for a sleek shiny silver pen with a convenient retracting tip, and handy pocket clip.
The first failure came last week after having purchased several packages for personal and work use.  I specifically purchased model # G-301.  After feverishly wripping Duke’s restraints (packaging) from him, I calmly sat at my desk to pen a letter to my grandmother. 
After roughly 400 characters – nothing.  Sporadic ink clumsily spilled from the tip in what would become a most embarressing letter to my grandmother.  I doubt she understood the last 10 paragraphs.  I fought back anger and confusion as I searched for the proper postage…”WHAT WENT WRONG??”  I asked myself…
I glanced across the room back to my desk.  Duke had failed me after so many years and I didn’t know why.  I barely knew him anymore.  
I’m not sure whether an operator was off in production, or he was using a bad pen making machine, or (as I like to imagine production at your facility) the pen elves didn’t drop off enough this time and you had to cobble together a cheap alternative.  Either way, I can’t bring myself to try this pen again.  Duke is gone as far as I’m concerned….and he died a very undeserving death. 
I hope you can appreciate how important your pen has been to me in the past, but I can’t bring myself to give it another try.  I wish you the best in the future and hope you can somehow make right what was once so right about your pens.  Maybe I’ll come across a hand-me-down older model or something, but until then I cannot set myself up for further disappointment with your pens. 
(I normally would have a signature here – but I don’t have to tell you why there’s not)
Gabe Connell

Reenactment of Cruz Filibuster

…as performed by the cast of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.